My parents divorced when I was nine and my brother was six. Well before anyone was hiring mediators or divorce coaches, they were solely focused on the goal of having a “good divorce”. This became the theme of my entire childhood…and then, the theme of my entire career.
They had shared custody of us long before that was even a thing. We had joint birthday parties, family dinners and holidays together. But even with all the signs of a healthy or successful divorce, from my perspective, I didn’t find it all that spectacular. There was still plenty of arguing that I can recall – one parent dropping the phone and walking away as I could hear the other parent screaming.
It wasn’t until I worked in divorce court that I realized that, while my parent’s divorce hadn’t been perfect, they were actually spectacularly good at keeping things relatively “normal” for my brother and me. They fought, but their conflicts were not the main event they could have become.
In court, I witnessed how things could have gone. I watched conflict run families wildly out of control – childhoods dismantled through the process. I realized then how lucky I was that my parents were able to handle their conflict differently.
What I witnessed over and over was that, rather than compromise, people chose to lose their houses, put their kids through hell, sacrifice their health and their well-being. They lost their jobs and their dignity. All the fighting seemed so pointless. But the urge to be seen and heard is very human. And when you’re in deep conflict and court is the only process put in front of you, it’s the one you use – because it’s the one you know.
When I worked for the judge, I was lucky enough to give these people the chance to settle their case before going to trial. To retain their last shred of dignity before ripping each other to pieces. I was only about 30 years old. Other than growing up navigating my own blended families, I hadn’t even received any formal training as a mediator yet! Strangely, I found resolving highly contested, supposedly “irresolvable,” divorces very satisfying.
I sat in an office right in the judge’s chambers together with the two lawyers and people getting divorced. I’d listen to each of their positions, “what” they were fighting about, and then ask questions.
The most important question was “why” they wanted whatever they wanted. The question of why we want something is so important because it uncovers our true interests. What was so surprising to me is that, once we backed away from what both people wanted and figured out why they wanted it, most of the time everything worked out. It felt like magic. But really, it was just the result of what I now call “radical listening”. Figuring out each of their interests, I was able to interrupt the argument loops in the conversation and get to the heart of the matter. Once I cracked this code, I was hooked.
What my parents did so masterfully is figure out that what they needed most was peace, and to create a stable environment for their kids. While their divorce wasn’t perfect, by focusing on the clear goal, they were able to navigate their conflict in a way that was good enough.
The next time you encounter serious conflict, rise above the narratives about what you want and why you’re right. Don’t get hooked on “fair.” Look for the “why” behind the “what.” Ask the most important question – the ones that will remind you of your most sincere, significant goals.
When you want to get along, to move forward, to do better, understand that you have the power to create a path through the conflict that most people don’t even know is possible. The answers to how may not be obvious from the get-go, but healing and rebuilding after divorce can start with asking the most important question.
With best wishes,
- Gabrielle Hartley, author of The Secret to Getting Along