When Alanis Morisette was singing about irony - every single person listening - whether you liked the song or not, knew exactly what she was talking about. The irony life serves up could be an entire soundtrack in and of itself. To me, this is comparable to coincidence. Also a whole soundtrack- but these ironic moments and coincidental experiences we have serve a higher purpose. In other words, it might not be like rain on your wedding day, but it might be like a contract opening up the minute you accept one you didn’t want in the first place.
These moments in life show us what could be, what will be and what might have been. And not to get too philosophical on you, but these moments lend to your overall purpose in life - guiding you and revealing what's behind the curtain you didn’t choose, from time to time, to remind you that your greatest challenge is actually choice.
This is why I love talking about resilience - the ineffable quality of being able to use challenges and change to become greater in your own purpose. In resilience, failure is a hurdle to jump, not a stop point on the track. And even in resilience, there is a bit of irony. Because to be strong enough to bounce back from adversity means you kind of need a bit of resilience to develop more of it. And that is the ultimate choice. Choosing to stand when the world is asking you to sit. In the face of uncertainty, choosing to be certain, to take a risk or a chance, even if you know it might not end how you want. Finding a way to rise above it all.
What’s Your Resilience Story?
I know so many people who tell their resilience story and are in awe of how they, themselves, somehow managed to not only survive, but thrive through the madness. For me, those moments are clear. There were times in my life, I am not exactly sure how I made it through, and came out better on the other side. Is that ironic? Or is that resilience supporting me to reach my life's purpose?
Research from the University of California suggests that purpose in life supports our physical and mental wellbeing. There’s even research to suggest that psychological resilience provides a greater capacity to maintain your overall wellbeing in the face of challenges. Which really just means that mentally, you are strong enough to take on whatever dish life serves up. Sounds easy, right? But the bigger picture is very intriguing… Why are so many of us in the trenches? Why are so many of us facing such adversity? And why are so many of us detached from our purpose in the first place?
Following The Same Pattern
In my own life, I realized at a certain point that every change I had made - job, company, city - kept bringing me back to the same state of absolute exhaustion. I had this idea in my mind that I was going to do ‘xyz’ or I would die trying. This meant I was going through life guarded - always ready to go to battle - always ready to fight. And for what? At that time, it didn't really matter. You either make the save or you die trying. Maybe this goes back to my days as a lifeguard at one of the busiest beaches stateside. Or maybe I ended up there, on that beach, because I was already clinging to that guarded mentality.
Letting Go
Belief systems are embedded in the fabric of our being from the time we are born, so letting those go is not an easy feat by any means. The irony in my own life was that I needed to let go of the very beliefs that had brought me the success I thought I wanted. To make space for a guided life, I had to let go of my guarded life. So instead of trying to build a life I loved, I decided to hand it over, to let go, and to love my life no matter what. It seems counterintuitive but it works - for a very simple reason: when we force, we are met with force - when we flow, we are met with flow.
Giving Grace
I’ve forgiven a lot of people in my lifetime so I find it ironic how long it took me to forgive myself. I was always so willing to understand where others were coming from, but never allotted that grace for my own path. And man, once I acknowledged this simple truth, life started moving differently for me. I found that I was no longer feeling guarded, like I had to defend every choice I'd ever made. I was feeling guided instead - no longer living on guard but living in grace.
Oh, Change
Have you ever had a belief that worked until it didn’t? These kinds of beliefs seem to work perfectly in your life—taking you to great heights of success and accomplishment—until you realize they are costing too much. For me, it was a panic attack that felt like a full on heart attack. And if I’m being totally honest, it took a few of these moments for me to actually make a change.
It seems easy enough to change our beliefs. We change our minds all the time—about our shoes, our favorite coffee, and even our goals. Yet changing beliefs can seem impossible. An entire continent of leaders tortured the first man to say that the earth revolves around the sun. The suffragettes went to jail for challenging existing voting laws.
For eons, we have been bucking change, or fighting for it. But I want us to flow with change instead. I want us to see it coming and to be able to withstand whatever the change is - and even use it, like a super power. And this pivot is how I became the “I Love My Life” guy. Rather than try to control every single thing and then stand guard in case it didn’t work out, I decided to let the change guide me, to give myself grace, and to love every step of the way - no matter what!
- Adam Markel, author of The I Love My Life Challenge